Treyby Baby is now one month old. We love that little stink more than life itself, but I can say with a certainty that the past month has been the hardest month of our lives. (I'm hoping it will be the hardest month of Trey's life too). Here's the thing. We have a hard baby. No mother wants to admit that, but we do. I say this in the most loving way possible, but our baby is a fussy little ball of fire that has the rage of a thousand men. :)
He is the most beautiful baby (no really...he IS) that I have ever seen, and it's a good thing too. I've never been so frustrated and felt so inadequate in all my life as I have in the past 4 weeks, but I know that someday I'll look back on these days and miss them (so everyone has been telling me anyway). And you know what, they're right. Even now, I'm thinking about his first few days and I just get all mushy feeling inside (is that even a thing) and my heart grows for this little boy.
You see, as hard as it is to go days and days without sleep, it's harder to feel like you can't soothe your baby. I mean, that's basically what I'm MADE to do, right? It's heartbreaking to feel like you're trying everything in your power to make your baby happy, and he's just not. He's mad, and you don't know why. I KNOW I'm not saying anything that any other parent hasn't said, but this is new for me, so now it's my turn to say it.
Trey's first month was hard. That's the best way I can describe it. He seemed to be in pain non-stop for the first few weeks. His poor little stomach would become rock hard and he would fart like nobody's business. All. The. Time. Seriously. Who knew so much gas could come out of such a tiny little thing? The only time he was content was when he was sleeping or eating (which he wanted to do every hour or so). If he was awake, he was crying. After days of no sleep, you can see how this would become a little frustrating.
I was breastfeeding him exclusively (More on THAT later), so we thought maybe he was allergic to something that I was eating. I stopped eating dairy but that didn't seem to help him at all. Then, two weeks after he was born my milk started drying up. I tried to keep my supply up, heaven help me, I did; but nothing seemed to work and I was starting to feel like I had been starving my child the past two weeks. We decided to start giving him formula and it was truly the best decision we could have made. He's been on the formula for a little over a week now and he's s.l.o.w.l.y getting better. He's still a little stink, but he's getting to be a cuter little stink. :)
I DO have fond memories from the past month, but I would be lying if I said it was the best month of my life. My body is a war zone that I fear will never be the same. Breastfeeding was a nightmare and to be honest, I don't miss it. The first two weeks were awful. I remember everyone telling me "Oh, you'll just love nursing. It's such a bonding experience." NO. No it wasn't. He had the hardest time learning to latch and I was in constant pain. I WANTED to love it, I really did. I kept reading that after 2 weeks it will all of a sudden be great so I was just holding out for that two week mark. It finally got to the point where I didn't cry everytime I nursed and then I started to produce less and less and I stopped nursing him. Of COURSE it starts to feel better when I no longer need it to. Ha.
After Dave went back to work, it was really hard for me to be at home alone with the baby. Has anyone else gone through that? Scout took the transition pretty hard and wouldn't even look at me for the first week we were home. SO heartbreaking. I would be so overwhelmed and trying to soothe Trey and all Scout wanted to do was sit outside. I'd put Trey down and try to compose myself (who knew, MAYBE Trey just wanted to be left alone. Maybe THAT'S what would get him to stop crying!?). ;) I'd go to give Scout snuggles because he always makes me feel better and he would walk past me and go downstairs into his kennel. I know this sounds so dramatic, and it is; but at the time, it was so hard. I don't know why Scout hated me so much, but he did. He didn't have problems with anyone else, but he was super pissed at me. Thankfully, he's getting used to the baby and will let me touch him now.
I found that the best thing for me was to get out of the house. Going to my parents became a daily activity and it SAVED my sanity. Just getting ready for the day and getting out of the house was the best medicine. I think Trey liked it too because he seemed to be better when we were "out and about" rather than just sitting at home. I KNOW I'll have a hard time going back to teach in the fall, but I also KNOW that I need it. That sounds really selfish, but I NEED that interaction. I think I would go crazy being a stay at home mom. At least at this stage in life.
We've had a HUGE amount of help from our families and are so grateful that we live so close by. Trey is the first grandbaby on both sides and boy is he LOVED. Thanks so much to everyone that has brought meals, come to hold Trey so I can shower :), and listened to me rant about my life. I really don't usually complain this much, I promise!
This post was all over the place and makes no sense, but I kind of like that because it emulates what the past month has been for us. Unstructured, unorganized and messy. As negative as this post was, I still love that baby more than anything. There have been so many times where I just want to sit in a closet and cry and drown my sorrows in ice cream; but when I see that face, my heart melts and I hold him to my chest and am so thankful that he is mine. Happy one month little guy. We love you.